A Beginner’s Guide On How To Be The Best Submissive

When you hear the word ‘submissive,’ what’s the first thought that comes through your mind? The word submission can trigger different reactions. Women may view submission as a form of inequality. Some may also think that it only applies in the bedroom, and others, a form of surrender of their personality. Many people enjoy introducing power dynamics into the bedroom, playing either a submissive or a dominant role to heighten their pleasure and explore new and unique sexual fantasies.

The reality is, learning how to be submissive in a relationship isn’t that all bad. If we fully understand the submissive meaning in a relationship, we’ll see that it’s even as positive as love. In the realm of  BDSM relationships, a submissive is an individual who willingly relinquishes control to another person, usually to satisfy a sexual urge. If you’re here reading this, chances are the thought of submitting to another person has piqued your interest or has even gotten your sexual juices flowing, so to speak. 

Is wanting to be submissive or engage in BDSM normal? 

Don’t worry, you’re not weird. Far from it, really. In fact, sexual submission is one of the most common fantasies. 

Clearly, for many people, the fantasy of being ordered around, spanked, and generally coerced to perform sexual acts can seem thrilling. The question for those who haven’t actually done it, however, is where to start. And if you want to be a submissive, what do you really need to know? 

 

Here are 5 things you need to know about how to be submissive. 

1. Educate yourself first.

Becoming a submissive is not a decision that should be made lightly. Before you decide to take the plunge and put yourself at the mercy of another, educate yourself on all things submission. 

First, some excellent books have been written on the subject of submission and dominance, and there are some very valuable online communities that cater to both veterans and novices. 

 

2. Determine if you’re really the submissive type.

Not surprisingly, submissive behavior typically comes very naturally to true submissive. But how can you tell if you’re a true submissive? 

Generally, true submissive have a desire to please a more dominant person and may even be turned on by the thought of being humiliated or overpowered. But don’t think for a second that all submissive bend to everyone’s whims in their everyday lives. Some submissive are individuals in truly powerful positions who simply want a release from their responsibilities from time to time. 

On the flip side, however, if submitting to another person turns you off, being a submissive probably isn’t for you. Instead, you could look into becoming a dominant or even a switch (someone who participates in BDSM as both a dominant and a submissive). 

 

3. Determine your level of submission.

There are a few different distinct levels of dominance and submission. Some people, for instance, simply use dominance and submission to add a little spice to their sex lives. This typically includes fantasy  role-playing in the bedroom from time to time, with some light spanking, dirty talk or bondage. 

Part-time submissive find that the submissive lifestyle is a much more important part of their lives. They may transform into a submissive during certain times, such as during sex or when visiting a BDSM club. They will often invest in outfits and other props, but won’t usually let their role interfere with other areas of their lives. 

Full-time submissive, on the other hand, are usually the hard-core players in the BDSM game. These types of submissive may even be looking to live in a full-time dominant/submissive relationship. They will usually relinquish all control to their dominate in most if not all areas of their lives. Many of these relationships also involve signed contracts. 

As with all things in life, when it comes to dominance and submission, it’s usually best to start small and work your way up. Maybe try a little fantasy role-playing before you completely submit to a full-time dominant. 

 

       4. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

While communication is important in any relationship, it’s absolutely essential in a dominant/submissive relationship. Now’s not the time to be shy; if you’re uncomfortable with the thought of sharing your innermost sexual desires and turn-offs it can really affect your safety, not to mention whether your enjoy your encounters. 

As a submissive, you must be willing and able to openly communicate with your partner or partners to ensure that all sex play is truly consensual. Before a scene or relationship begins, you and your partners should share your wants, desires, and sexual fantasies. However, it is equally important to make your partners aware of any turn-offs and limits you may have. Make your limits known and set boundaries as soon as possible. 

 

       5. Always put safety first.

In recent years, the term “safe, sane and consensual” has become something of a motto for the BDSM community and BDSM play. If you’re looking into BDSM play for the first time, or even if you’re a hardened veteran, safety should be a number one priority. 

To be clear, whether you’re flogging someone or submitting them to some other delicious torture, there is an element of danger or potential harm in any BDSM activity. Always take the time to learn how to use any toys and props properly and safely, and always establish a safe word before beginning any BDSM play. 

This simple word or phrase can be spoken by a submissive at any time they want to slow down or stop a scene, no questions asked. Of course, words like “stop” and “no” should also be avoided when choosing a safe word, since they can often be used to heighten the excitement during a scene. 

 

6 Submissive Techniques 

Being submissive encompasses a wide range of experiences, and you and your partner can explore any avenue of pleasure you prefer. Here are a few standard practices that D/s practitioners use in the bedroom: 

1. Permission and punishment: Two key tensions at play during most dominant and submissive sexual experiences are permission and punishment. During this type of session, the sub must ask permission to perform certain activities—for instance, performing oral sex or orgasming—and when they act outside of the dom’s rules, they receive a requisite punishment. When starting with D/s play, consider having the dom set up a few sexy rules (for instance, choosing the sex positions or what you’re allowed to wear) and punishments. Common punishments include spanking, edging or chastity, and bondage. 

2. Spanking and impact play: Erotic spanking is a type of impact play in which the dom uses their hands, a whip, paddle, or crop to spank parts of the sub’s body for consensual and mutual sexual pleasure. You can use spanking as foreplay before sexual intercourse or a kinky punishment during submission and domination play. Receiving an erotic spanking can increase blood flow in your groin area and releases pleasurable chemicals in the brain, including endorphins and dopamine, to enhance sexual pleasure. 

3. Dirty talk: Using a particular language in the bedroom is a key part of submissive behavior in a D/s relationship. As a sub, you can address your partner with respectful pronouns (like “sir” or “madam”) to show that they’re in control. If you’re both new to D/s play and you notice your partner isn’t quite sure how to perform as a dom, consider offering suggestions deferentially—for instance, suggesting what you will do for them or how they can punish you for bad behavior. 

4. Roleplay: Roleplaying scenarios can help jumpstart the action of a D/s scenario because they offer easy roles for each person to slip into and help you distance yourself from the situation if you’re feeling a little stage fright. If you’re just starting, consider roleplay situations that already have a built-in power dynamic—for instance, boss and employee, teacher and student, or doctor and patient. 

5. Outfits: D/s often incorporates specific outfits or attire that you can use during a scene. For instance, doms may wear leather outfits, suits, and boots or heels, while subs wear collars, leashes, or roleplay-based costumes like maid outfits. Dressing the part can help you and your partner immerse yourself in your roles and explore different sides of yourselves. 

6. Bondage: Bondage is a sexual practice in which one partner uses tools to restrain the other partner (usually the sub) during a sexual encounter. The most common restraints include rope, leather straps, bondage tape, ties, handcuffs, spreader bars, ball gags, blindfolds, and chains. These restraints are designed to restrict the sub’s senses or freedom of movement to place control in the Dom’s hands and heighten mutual sexual stimulation. 

For everyone wondering if they are good enough, you should know that being perfect is never easy. Beginner subs are often lost and have no idea how they could improve and become better in this area. Furthermore, they often look for a dominant to make them better and somehow fix them. In all truth, being submissive is not easy, and it requires a lot of work. 

It’s normal that you don’t want to do something, or that you find it too extreme. And the reality is that you don’t have to. Real dominants know that subs have feelings and wishes as everyone else, and surrendering your control to such a person will be beneficial for both of you. 

Finally, you will need to work, both mentally and physically, until it becomes your lifestyle. But if you find submission fulfilling, you will never regret surrendering full control to that special someone. They will know how to both reward and punish everything that you do for them, and it will be an incredible adventure for both of you.